I don't know if any of you have ever had an issue with mental illness. 

I have. I'm still struggling and it's honestly hell. Some days when I wake up, I feel like nothing is impossible, like I can do anything. Most days are good days. But then, there's the bad days. Sometimes it'll start out like a good day, and then come the evening and the anxiety will slowly creep up on me. It can come slowly, or it can come crashing over me like a bloody wave. Lately, it's happened a lot when I've been at work which isn't ideal. I've figured out that it's due to my insane schedule (working 230 hours this month) and my full time studies, as well as moving to a new apartment and decorating it. It's been a bit much lately and I've not been myself. I've been isolating myself a lot, only seeing two of my friends and kind of neglecting the others. It's not right, but I can't help it. I don't want to go out, I don't wanna go to parties. I just want to stay at home and watch tv shows and be alone. But even so, I hate being alone. It's so weird. I like being alone most times, but 50% of the negative thoughts inside my head are about me being alone because no one likes me, and how no one ever will. While I know that it's not true, my brain has a terrifying way of convincing myself that it's the truth. 

Even if I choose to be alone and be by myself, sometimes that will lead to an anxiety attack and me crying for several hours because I feel so lonely. It makes no sense. I wish that I could change so much of what I feel, and I wish that I wouldn't sometimes burst into tears because I feel like my life is so empty and that I am so alone. A lot of my friends have partners, or they're talking to someone that they like... And then there's me, who's not really got anything going on in the romantic department. And you know, most days I'm 100% fine with that. I don't need anyones attention or validation to feel happy and to be content with myself. I am my own hype squad - literally. But, it honestly sucks feeling like you will never meet someone. I don't know why I feel like this and it's so dumb. And this is coming from a girl who only wants to spend time in her apartment and be alone. 

Mental illness isn't something I've discussed before and it's not something I happily open up about. But it's tearing me apart. I've been doing a lot of night shifts at work lately, and then always end with me crying. And most times I don't even know why I'm crying, I just feel like the world is crashing around me. Most days, I struggle to feel excitement. The only thing I really feel excited about, is my trip in November. I get to travel the world for 7 weeks and I couldn't be more excited. I'm not sure if it's because I get to leave this town or if it's because I get to see new parts of the world, but I'm excited. I can't wait to just get away. I already know those 7 weeks will be the best seven weeks of this year. I know I'll be happy. Maybe not every minute of every day, but for the majority of the time I'll be happy. I get to do what I love, far away from the people who bring me down. 

I got a panic attack two weeks ago, and before that I hadn't gotten one for about three months. And I was doing really well, and I felt so happy. But then, boom. It happened at work and I collapsed. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I reached out to a few friends, and felt like I was being ignored. When you're going through hell, it can literally be a lifesaver to feel like you've got support. Which I didn't really feel. My best friend always has my back and no one knows more about my mental illness than she does, and I'm blessed that she always knows how to handle me at my worst. I don't really tell a lot of people about my mental illness because I feel like I get judged. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at all, I shouldn't be ashamed of myself. So many people struggle with it, so I know I'm not alone. I was severely depressed as a teenager and it got very bad. My depression still shows up, like an old friend you'd rather have left in high school.. But it keeps coming back. But right now, the anxiety and the panic attacks are the worst. And I feel like it's expected of me to constantly be happy, to be cheerful and to smile and be cocky. But sometimes, life ain't that good. I can't always be smiling, I ain't got that in me. Sometimes it has to be okay to cry and to be really goddamn sad. The thing is, people always talk about how if you're happy and cheerful then people will be "attracted" to you and want to talk and stuff. And sure, it makes sense. People are normally more attracted to outgoing and cheery people, but no one is like that all the time? 

I know I have to work on myself, and work on my mental health. It sounds worse than it is, I suppose. It just means that I have to work on doing things that make me happy, and do things for me. So often I find myself doing what other people want me to do, and doing things that's expected from society. I forget who I am and what I want. I have to be better at doing what's best for me and doing what I feel like. If I want to stay at home and watch kpop videos, rather than going to a party at a friends house, shouldn't that be okay? We're expected to constantly be social and to hang out with people, but sometimes it's so nice to just be by yourself. Spending time with yourself is just as important as spending time with other people. You gotta get to know you - before you get to know someone else. I feel like I'm just rambling, but I need to get these thoughts outta my head. This coming week I'm making some changes to my life. I'm going back to the gym, getting back into shape again. Exercise used to make me really happy and it made my demons disappear for a bit, and I'm hoping it'll work this time around too. I'm also getting rid of some people from my life. Yeah, okay that sounds awful but sometimes we need to cut people off. Whether it's blocking them on social media, deleting their number or actually telling them that this ain't working anymore, it's good. You should never ever settle with having people in your life who brings you down and steals your energy. My mum always tells me that bad friends are energy thieves, because they just steal your energy and never boosts it. Which is so true. I tend to always feel drained after interacting with some of my less good friends, and like I give a lot but get so little back. And that's not an okay way to feel. If you feel that way about any type of relationship - be it friendship or a romantic relationship, act on it. Do something - it's never okay to feel like you're the one person keeping the relationship alive. 

Anyways, this has turned into a really messy post and what I originally wanted to say was just that... I have anxiety. And panic attacks. And sometimes my depression comes back to haunt me. And that's okay. I'm not ashamed of it, and I won't try to be something I'm not. It's a part of me and even if it's not my favourite part of myself, I just gotta learn to live with it.