"They say life is a battlefield..
I say bring it on"

What I feel mostly in my life is that I've been doing this for the wrong reason. I keep worrying about other people's feeling and thoughts, and I don't really focus on mine. I've become so aware of everyone elses opinion that my own doesn't seem to matter anymore. I've lived life the way people want me to. Honestly, this is such a common thing. Society is full of adverts telling us how to dress, how to act, how to look. There's a shitload of propaganda out there telling girls how to act and look so that boys will approve of it and fall in love with them. Honestly, isn't that so dumb? We shouldn't have to feel like we dress or look the way we do for someone's approval. We should dress for ourselves. Fuck the others. I talk a good game, but I've been one of those people. Thinking that oh, if I dress this way maybe I'll seem more appealing, maybe people will like me. What good has that done? None. I've been through a lot of shit in my life, I've fought a lot of battles. Mostly with my own head. My brain has a tendency to make me feel absolutely horrendous. No one can make me feel as worthless and useless as my brain can. I'm an expert at being mean to myself. Honestly, I'm my own bully. I think most people have a tendency to be very critical of themselves. We long to fit in, long to have friends and connect with people that we are willing to do anything. I've spent so much time in my life wondering why people don't like me. Is it the way I dress? Is it my personality? Am I too fat? Too loud? Am I just... not good enough? My brain's answer to all these questions: Yes. Yes that it, that's what wrong with you. And honestly, it's all lies. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. And not with you. And not with anyone else. We are all bloody perfect the way we are. We just need to realize that.


It's not easy coming to terms with who you are and accepting yourself. I should know. I'm still not 100% sure that I like myself. I mean, some days I do. Some days I don't. I guess that's life. But if I think back to how I was a year ago... Damn son, I've changed a lot. For the better! And I shall continue to do so. I spent the majority of last year doing things I thought was the right thing. Maybe they were, back then. I saw bands I really liked, I travelled to places I enjoy and where I have friends living. But at some point, I stopped enjoying it. Maybe something changed. Maybe I did? When I went to London in August, I had a blast. I saw some really great bands live, but it also made me feel... full. Sometimes when you see band live countless of times, and they play the same setlist every time.. It gets boring. You know what to expect. It's the same show. That's what happened. I wasn't surprised anymore, I wasn't ecstatic about their music. That trip was overall a great time, and I had so much fun with my friends. So much fun, that I decided to go back in November. But that wasn't as fun. The first day, I was so happy. I love London, I really do, and I love walking around it and just being there. But as the days went by, I started to feel a bit uneasy. I wasn't happy. I just felt like I was wasting time and money. I could've been home, at work and saving money for my trip to Thailand. Instead I was in London buying clothes I didn't need. I saw my friends, and I love them very much, but we are very different. There's about 4 of them I count as close friends, the others are basically now just acquaintances. We used to have so much in common, now there's nothing. I think you know when a friendship is starting to end, when planning to meet up is such a hassle that you start to think you don't even want to meet up at all. Sometimes you grow apart. You lead different lives and things change, it's honestly very natural. I've always been a girl with few friends, and most of them have always lived in other cities or countries. I honestly do love long distance friendships and it's great to have friends all over the world. You don't need to speak every single day, but honestly if I don't speak to someone for a month... It's not working. I think during that trip to London I realized that I wasn't there because I wanted to. I was there because it was kinda expected of me to go there. My friends wanted me to visit. So I did. But did I 100% want to? I don't know. I was excited to go there, absolutely, but it wasn't the same giddy feeling I've felt before. I missed home a lot as well, something I rarely do while there. I missed my family and my friends here. I actually even missed my job. It wasn't fun. I think that was my turning point in life. I needed to change. For the better. Again.


I'm 100% sure I have lived way too many parts of my life doing things for others. I've worried way too much about what others will think and say. Like, fuck them! This is my life and it's a short one. I have to do what I want. I've always been fairly good at dressing how I want to, but people always have an opinion about it. Since I'm not the skinniest gal around, people normally use the "aren't you too big to wear that?" and "it looks a bit vulgar". Y'all, I'm just wearing a low cut top, not walking around in my underwear. It's like, because I have curves people seem to think it's okay to have opinions about what I wear. It's not, honestly. It's like, if one of my friends who's skinny would wear a bodysuit and a pair of denim shorts people would praise that outfit and say that it looks really nice. When I wear that, people say I'm too fat and that it's vulgar. It's too sexualised. That ain't my problem though? That's society's problem. I should be able to wear whatever I want without being seen as some kind of sex-object? Like, please. Curves are seen as so vulgar and sexy and it's so wrong. Like, this is my body and it's not for your use. Stop sexualising my outfits. I wear the clothes I wear for my sake. I like them, I feel comfortable in them. I don't give a fuck if I guy likes it? Like, hell. I dress for me! The issue is with you, not me. I didn't use to think like this though, not up until the middle of last year. I was (and still is) very insecure. I have the world self-confidence and I honestly struggle to find things I am good at. I don't like complimenting myself. But I've started to try and change my way of thinking. I am so damn great at my job. I'm great at writing. I'm really funny and I have a massive heart and I care about people so much. I'm loving and kind. And on some days, I look really fucking great. I'm a bloody catch. This isn't easy to get into my head though. Some days, I feel like I'm a ten and that I can do absolutely anything. Then, some days I feel like I'm the ugliest human being ever and I hide at home watching tv shows and binge eating. No one's perfect, to be honest. Actually, there's no such thing as perfect. We are all our own types of perfect. Like, I'm perfect in my own ways.


Nothing good can ever come out of doing things for other people's approval. Do things for you. Don't do what everybody else thinks you should. Do what you want, not what they want. You go being amazing and follow YOUR dreams. Don't follow someone else's. Find your passion, and go for it. Don't let someone else tell you what's right for you, only you know that. It's taken me so many years to figure out who I am, and what I want, and it's not easy. But it's great when you do find out. I only made one new years resolution for 2016, and it sounds like a real simple one but it's actually hard. "Do things for you, not for others". Basically, like I've said I've been an expert in doing things others think I should. I've been doing stuff for their happiness, not for mine. I've been really bad at doing things that make me happy. I've been neglecting my own happiness and putting others before me. It's not a bad thing to sometimes put other people's happiness before you own, but don't do it all the time. Because sometimes, they don't actually prioritize your  happiness and that will make you feel absolutely horrible. Friendships are all about giving and taking. If you feel like all your friend does is take, and that you get 0 back... It's not a good friendship. Focus on your happiness and what you want to do. Don't put up with people walking all over you and treating you like crap. You're a star, don't let people treat you like you're dirt. That's also something I have to work on this year, because I am an expert at letting others walk all over me. I don't like confrontation, but I have to work on that. This is the year where I won't take any bullshit. This is my year.

Life is full of regrets. There's big regrets and there's small regrets. But however big or small, they always seem to mess with our heads. We can regret buying a shirt on a shopping spree, whether it was £10 or £80. We can regret big decisions, such as picking the right education. Some choices should definitely be thought through completely, but nonetheless big or small - it can always lead to regrets.

I've spent my life regretting things. I quit university because I was convinced I was in the wrong line of education. And I was correct. Before quitting, I spent months having panic attacks about quitting and what it would lead to. I was worried that I was making the wrong choice and that I would regret it. But I haven't. Not for a single second. And now I'm in college again, studying something that I really enjoy. And I don't think I would've figured it out if I hadn't quit the other course. 

But there's always gonna be regrets. Life's full of them. It will always be full of regrets. And that's good, to be honest. I mean, if you're thinking about making a big change to your life, you should always be worried about consequences. But not too worried. Because being worried can make you go absolutely insane. Trust me, I know. 

I've decided to stop living my life regretting things I've done. I mean what's the point? If you've done something, be happy you did it. But if you have to regret something, regret what you did do. Not what you didn't do. If you regret stuff you didn't do, then you're gonna spend the rest of your life in agony. Wondering what could have happened if things had gone differently, if your life had been different then. I've been there and it's ridiculously painful to constantly wonder what could have been. It's better to regret what you did. I mean, at least then you'll have something nice to remember. Because like my title said, at one point it was exactly what you wanted. 

So what I want to say in this mess of a post is, never regret what you did. Or didn't do. Don't regret anything. Never regret sleeping with someone who's name you can't remember (we've all been there). Never regret buying something that you really wanted, even if it meant you had to live on noodles for the rest of the month. Never regret drinking too much at a night out, if you had fun doing so. Never regret the pictures of your drunken self that your friend uploads, because it's a memory for life. Never regret being with someone who made you really happy at the time, but who's now not in your life anymore. Who cares if they made you sad for a while, if they at one point made you really happy? Treasure that. Treasure the happy moments.